


Hair today, gone tomorrow

by archaeologist_d



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Canon Era, Canon Universe, Crack, Episode: s02e10 Sweet Dreams, F/M, Fluff, Gaius isn't helping., Love, M/M, Silly, Wings, arthur gave merlin a hug, arthur is a toad, kilgharrah is ridiculous, love spells
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-27
Updated: 2019-09-27
Packaged: 2020-07-23 19:02:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20013277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/archaeologist_d/pseuds/archaeologist_d
Summary: There are over 636 love spells in these books, and over 150 of them involve a lock of hair.





	Hair today, gone tomorrow

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: The first 3 sets of dialogue are from the episode written by Lucy Watkins  
> Many thanks to gwylliondream for betaing. She’s a star!

“There are over 636 love spells in these books, and over 150 of them involve a lock of hair.” Merlin scowled down at the pages, then sighed.

“Is there no way we can narrow them down a bit?” Gaius said.

Merlin shook his head. “I have. Look. If I choose this one and it's wrong, Arthur will end up as a toad. And if this one's wrong, Vivian will lose all her hair.”

“Well, try them anyway. What’s the worst that could happen?”

“I get throw in the stocks again?”

“Merlin….”

* * *

**_Spell 1:_ ** _  
Vivian was even more obnoxious than usual. I’m not sure the counter-spell worked. It’s hard to tell with her._

**_Spell 4:_** _  
Arthur’s skin turned a funny shade of chartreuse. It faded after a few hours, though. I wish there had been a painter nearby to capture Arthur’s green face. Unfortunately, Uther decided it was sorcery so there was a lot of guards messing around in Gauis’s rooms. Again. At least I hid the spell book this time._

**_Spell 13:_ ** _  
A toad. Yeah, that was fun. I had a hell of a time chasing after him. Arthur kept hopping into the moat and Gaius made me catch him because he claimed it was my fault. And the prat peed on me. Arthur wasn’t pleased when he finally turned back. Plus, he was still in love with Vivian. But it was pretty funny when he asked for flies for dinner. Uther’s face turned a kind of puce at that. More declarations of sorcery. Sigh._

**_Spell 27:_ ** _  
Well, Vivian declared war on Camelot when all her hair fell out. The screaming lasted for hours. Luckily, most of the hair came back. It wasn’t blonde, though. Oops._

**_Spell 42:_ ** _  
No sign of any success in breaking the spell. Arthur’s still in love and Vivian’s a bitch._

**_Spell 45:_ ** _  
Vivian kept speaking in tongues. Gaius said it sounded like Greek, but when we looked it up, nope. A few curse words but most of it gibberish. The funny thing is that Arthur seemed to understand her. Or maybe it was because his tongue was down her throat a lot. Either way, it was painful to watch. Olaf had a fit._

**_Spell 63:_ ** _  
Are wings a thing? Because Arthur grew a pair. Pretty nice ones, too. Very soft. I got to stroke the feathers and Arthur actually hummed when I did that. He denied it later, but he was looking at me funny as though he wanted me to keep stroking him. PS: I kept one of the feathers for later._

**_Spell 74:_ ** _  
They say that big feet are a sign of other big appendages, you know, penises. I haven’t seen Arthur’s yet, but his feet are now the size of the large shield in the Great Hall. Made it hard for him to walk down the stairs. Addendum: yes, big feet do mean big cocks._

**_Spell 83:_ ** _  
I’m beginning to worry that none of these spells are going to work. Plus Uther is on a tirade again. You would think he’d want his son cured. Sigh. Anyway, Arthur’s nose couldn’t fit through the doorway. He’s hiding in his room._

**_Spell 97:_ ** _  
Vivian is being nice to everyone. It’s freaking out the whole castle, even Uther. Maybe we could not do the counter spell? Gaius said no, we have to keep trying._

**_Spell 102:_ ** _  
Vivian’s bum grew a ½ inch and she couldn’t fit into some of her tighter gowns. You would have thought the world had come to an end. The screeching was worse than when her hair fell out. PS: her hair still isn’t blonde._

**_Spell 110:_ ** _  
Arthur’s being very affectionate, even handsy. Not that I mind. At first I thought we’d found the right spell to fix this whole problem, but he keeps nuzzling my neck and squeezing my backside. Vivian had another fit. Unfortunately, the effect didn’t last long. Sigh. I might keep this one for later, though._

**_Spell 115:_ ** _  
Arthur made for a very pretty golden retriever. I ended up throwing balls for him to catch outside because he was restless and kept peeing on all the walls in the castle and Uther wasn’t pleased. The knights helped, throwing sticks and rough-housing with him. Arthur’s tail was going a mile a minute. He seemed almost unhappy when he changed back. So I threw him another stick and he chased it a long way before he realized what he was doing. Apparently, I’ll be in the stocks for a while._

**_Spell 125:_ ** _  
Princes don’t make for good fishes. Just saying. _

**_Spell 137:_ ** _  
Arthur’s usually an excellent dancer but this was ridiculous. He couldn’t stop. He wore out a brand-new pair of boots. He wanted to dance with everyone, even the cook. He danced down the stairs, in the courtyard, on the privy, even on the top of the castle walls. I was glad when it was over. It was kind of dangerous._

**_Spell 146:_ ** _  
Macramé weaving. Who knew he had that kind of skill?_

**_Spell 154:_ ** _  
Vivian’s breasts grew several sizes. When the spell ended, she cried a lot. Arthur seemed more intimidated by it all. He looked like he didn’t know where to put his hands when he was next to her._

**_Spell 158:_ ** _  
Last one. Didn’t work. I liked that Arthur was nice, though. Gave me a hug. I think I’ll keep this one, too, just in case._

* * *

Merlin didn’t know what else to do. None of the spells worked. Vivian was horrid, Uther was still seeing sorcery in every nook and cranny, and Arthur looked constipated. There was only one being that might be able to help, but it just about killed Merlin to have to ask that great manipulative lizard for anything.

It didn’t help that Kilgharrah thought it so hilarious that it took minutes for him to stop laughing. Of course, nothing was straight-forward, either. The dragon kept going on and on about coins and nonsense, trying to make Merlin guess what the cure was. Merlin hated guessing. Plus, he’d gone through the entire book of spells and a bout in the stocks. He wasn’t in any mood for riddles.

“Just tell me, you bloody pillock.” Merlin shouted.

The lizard finally relented, after another bout of giggles. “You must find the person that Arthur truly loves. One kiss from them and the enchantment will be broken.”

“You mean Uther?” Merlin scowled up at Kilgharrah. “Because if you do, Uther’s in no mood. He’s too busy chasing after sorcerers and telling Arthur to stop peeing on the walls.”

“Sometimes I truly wonder what is going on inside that head of yours.” Kilgharrah just shook his head, looking as if he couldn’t believe what was coming out of Merlin’s mouth.

Merlin thought a moment. “Oh, Gwen, then.”

Kilgharrah rolled his eyes and let out an annoyed puff of smoke. “Perhaps or perhaps you might try giving him a kiss yourself. Either way should work.”

“He doesn’t love me. He treats me like dirt most of the time… although, hummm, he did like me stroking his feathers.”

“I’m not going to ask.” Kilgharrah seemed taken aback at that, but then shook off whatever was confusing him, and said, “Just try it. Albion is depending on you.”

* * *

The kiss worked. Merlin couldn’t find Gwen and so he couldn’t wait any longer. Merlin dove in, instead. At first, he figured a little peck on the cheek would do. Arthur certainly wouldn’t throw him in the stocks for that, would he? But when it came right down to it, Merlin wanted a kiss. It might be the only one he ever got from the prat.

So he went straight for the lips, hard and fast and very determined, wet and wild and there was a bit of tongue, but Merlin figured Arthur was so out of it, he wouldn’t even notice.

Arthur did notice. Quite a bit of notice. And he was giving as good as he got and they were late for the tournament and Merlin was hard and Arthur was, too.

But that was another story, for another day. 

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Merlin characters are the property of Shine and BBC. No profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.


End file.
